The man has no family. What to do if there is no sex in the family? There are several typical scenarios for a decrease in libido.

Psychologist-sexologist, family psychologist, systemic therapist

A family without sex is quite common. Spouses may think that they are held together by common interests, obligations, values, but in fact such a couple is very vulnerable to external influences.

The peak of sexuality falls at the beginning of a romantic story. A gradual decrease in the libido of both partners is, in general, a normal phenomenon. But if "twice a week" after 10 years of marriage is quite within the concept of the norm, then "twice a year" - of course not.

What, in fact, is the difference in the perception of men and women of the topic of sex in a couple and its absence?

We will not now consider the purely physiological reasons for the lack of sex. Let us dwell on the more common (and no less important) - psychological. They are usually introduced into the married life of women - and often ruin a marriage without even realizing it.

There are several typical scenarios for a decrease in libido:

1) The partner offended his wife with something(didn’t help around the house, didn’t listen, didn’t show proper respect or interest), the extreme degree of resentment is the “point of no return” - a serious conflict, betrayal, trust and respect disappear for a partner, in the worst case, disgust appears. As a result, the woman refuses to have sex with him. Sometimes she herself can play this “revenge” so much that the lack of sex will gradually become a habit.

2) During and after pregnancy. For many women, the child becomes the center of the universe, and the husband fades into the background. This is a common and very dangerous scenario.

It is worth remembering that women have a “falling asleep” (and “waking up”) libido. And for men - "dying". And if an absolutely healthy man in his prime is denied sex, say, for a year, then in a year he may atrophy the necessary functions of the body. And when a woman decides that she is ready to take her mind off diapers and semolina and wants sex, it is likely that she will no longer be able to get it.

3) "Sexy Desert". In a relationship with a partner, in principle, everything is fine, there is both psychological intimacy and a desire to give and enjoy - however, all the tricks are well known and repeated so many times that it becomes simply not interesting to have sex. But at the same time, the spouses love each other and sincerely want to overcome the crisis, return sex to its former passion and importance - and simply do not know how to do it.

4) Lack of orgasm in a woman. It is not insurmountable and is often due to psychological factors. A very common situation is that in one position a woman feels good and comfortable, and in another - it hurts, unpleasantly, does not like. But she is silent about it, afraid to offend the man, hurt his vanity, and - ... suffers. Sometimes for years. Not realizing that the husband is not a telepath, who himself will guess whether he is doing well or badly.

What to do if there is no sex in the family?

Cross your inner, interfering barrier and tell honestly about your expectations in sex: talk about how good and how not very good. It is the female ability to have fun, to catch the buzz from the process that binds a man: he simply has no reason to look around. If a man feels that he regularly does not satisfy his partner, no matter how hard he tries, then in the end he simply loses interest in her.

You should not refuse a man in sex because of the desire to "teach a lesson" or "put in place." And if long-term abstinence from sex is recommended by doctors (for example, during pregnancy in a situation of threatened miscarriage), it is worth remembering that the concept of “sexual relations” is very broad, and there are many ways to satisfy a partner, help him achieve orgasm.

Male masturbation during such periods is not a whim, but a necessity. If a man does not receive any sexual release, he will either start relationships on the side, or he will no longer be interested in sex at all. The very case when both options are worse.

The phrase "women love with their ears" carries a deep meaning. Talk to your partner, participate in her affairs. The sexiest man is the one who helps, does not shift all the worries about housekeeping and raising children to women's shoulders. Do not be afraid to start a frank conversation about your aspirations and preferences, fantasies. A new place, unusual underwear, role-playing - it's so easy, but many are afraid to even discuss them. But there are also a lot of more hidden desires - to try new forms of sex or even include other people in your intimate life (troerism or swinging). Of course, the last decision is more likely to be radical, for which both partners must be prepared, having discussed the boundaries of what is permitted in advance and making sure that their behavior does not hurt the other half.

Why go to a specialist?

Another option to solve the problem of lack of sex in the family is to contact a specialist. A sex psychologist is useful as a sensitive and professional "leader" of such a conversation. Often people are embarrassed to talk about sex, but they think about their desires that they are “dirty” or “unnatural”.

An unbiased specialist who knows exactly how to help spouses speak out all their aspirations and fears will help resolve the situation calmly, without offending a partner, without destroying anyone's self-esteem.

My husband has a second family...

Remember, the hero of Yuri Nikulin from The Prisoner of the Caucasus sang: “If I were a sultan, I would have three wives. And triple beauty, would be surrounded. But on the other hand ... "Real life shows that in order to have three wives, it is not necessary to be a sultan, but polygamy (albeit unofficial) can fully provide troubles and worries. No wonder situations when one of the spouses is in a serious relationship outside their family are called "triangles of suffering".

Of course, a casual acquaintance, a first date, a passionate night in a hotel room, do not always and immediately develop into something more. The affair of a married man may remain for him only a pleasant memory, a risky adventure, an amazing experience. But it can also be a starting point. The very one from which, in the future, the characters of history will draw their own triangle of suffering, mutual accusations and scandals.

Women with increased anxiety quickly, almost instantly, notice the slightest changes. They determine by details, by nuances whether everything is in order or it is time to sound the alarm: for example, a man began to somehow take special care of himself, began to turn a blind eye to what had previously caused him indignation, etc. If the alarm signal was received on time and the necessary steps were taken actions, the development of a negative scenario for the family can be prevented. True, there is no single algorithm of actions, because each story has its own unique scenario. But general points can be distinguished. I note that if you cultivate anxiety, you can bring yourself to nervous exhaustion.

Imagine that the experience of the family life of the heroes is not great.
Between spouses there is mutual attraction, passion, desire for intimacy. It’s just that there was a failure in the family system, because of which the man decided on an easy romance. In this case, you need to press pause to analyze the situation.

What feelings does your spouse lack? After all, if a man feels dissatisfaction at one of the levels of communication with his wife (emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral, sexual), he will try to compensate for the lack of necessary emotions on the side. Maybe a man needs more attention and care? Perhaps he does not receive confirmation of his amazing sexual abilities in the family (after all, this is very significant for a man), he does not feel the support of his wife and her approval. Or, on the contrary, he cannot restrain his passionate impulses. There is also a completely banal option - the spouse is simply bored to exist in the home-work-home format. It is also important to understand the portrait of the opponent. If you determine the type of woman, her strengths and, as a result, those qualities that attracted a man will become clear. By identifying weak areas, a wise woman will be able to quietly make adjustments to communication with her husband.

You can go the other way, openly influence your beloved man and directly declare: “I know everything, I will not stand it!” But you need to understand - this is an all-in game. The spouse may be afraid that he will lose his family if the new relationship does not yet have a solid foundation, or maybe pack a suitcase. This method is definitely not suitable for ladies who do not love their husband so much as adore his resources. They react to everything not emotionally, but rationally. I will only note that men feel such women, they understand perfectly well that the spouse is ready to turn a blind eye to everything, for the sake of status, financial situation, apparent stability. Next to such women, the representatives of the stronger sex begin to allow themselves a lot, at the same time, internal dissatisfaction with marriage is growing. And where is the guarantee that sooner or later a woman will not appear on the path of a man, relations with which will become a serious threat to the family and to that very stamp?

And now another story - marriage with experience.
It is not so easy to turn the tide in this case, because the spouses have already got used to each other, there are no former emotions, unbridled passions. A mistress gives a man both emotional and sexual warmth, and this greatly brightens up his life. However, the desire of a man to live on the knurled, affection, habit works for his wife.

If a woman who has learned about her husband's passion wants to save her family, then first of all she needs to calm down. Do not forget, the mistress only dreams that you will collect the things of the betrothed and put them out the door. Therefore, it is important not to pursue your husband, but to take care of yourself: sign up for dancing, get a new hobbyto be interesting to other people. An unexpected call from a fan or dinner with a girlfriend activates a man’s alarm (the main thing is not to overdo it). At the same time, it is possible to influence the values ​​of the spouse, to focus on children, on the meaning of the family, on property (if the spouses have joint property or business, then the thought of divorce and division of all acquired is unbearable). In other words, you need to use everything that can become the basis for maintaining relationships.

You should be more careful with the manifestation of sexual interest. Some women begin to demonstrate special activity in bed, thinking that their spouse simply does not have enough sex. But such a “counterattack” is extremely difficult for men, because they cannot portray passion, imitate pleasure. Because of this, irritation with his wife can only grow.

If the family is a value for both spouses, and the marriage is harmonious on an emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral level, and only sexual passion has faded away, then a man is unlikely to leave the family of his own free will. By the way, there is an interesting statistic: of the four men who left the family, three regret it, and two make attempts to return. So do not rush to get divorced!

But before starting the fight for her marriage, a woman must determine whether she is ready to forgive and understand. In my practice, there were cases when wives managed to save the marriage, but they developed such a feeling of resentment and hostility that they were forced to work with a psychologist.

However, women do not always learn about infidelity, so to speak, in a timely manner. Some men show the talents of James Bond and David Copperfield rolled into one. They clearly delineate the boundaries of the family and protect them from the onslaught of mistresses. And a wise lover, realizing that a man will not leave his first family, will not invade the territory of marriage. So there are more bonuses for her. There are a lot of stories when wives found out about the existence of a mistress with a child only after the death of their husbands.

Suppose a man's relationship with another woman has gone too far-they became parents, and the deceived wife still found out about it.
Men react differently to illegitimate children. Starting from deleting a mistress from life, accusations of infidelity, refusal to acknowledge paternity. Ending with principled statements: “This is my child. I will support him and take care of him.” In this case, the baby's mother is no longer perceived as a girlfriend, relations with her move to a more serious level.

But what should the legal wife do, for whom the whole world turned upside down overnight? First of all, analyze the situation and get an objective assessment of what happened. If the husband has had a constant relationship on the side for many years, and moreover, a child is growing in that union, and the wife did not even know about it, then the relationship was not so rosy. Therefore, it is important for a deceived woman to determine her own feelings. She loves - she doesn’t love, she can forgive and live with it or she can’t, she will continue to believe her husband or not ... And is such a marriage really needed? And further tactics will depend on this. In any case, one should not engage in self-destruction, fall into despair and slide into depression and despondency. You need to take your life into your own hands and take action. How? As your heart tells you.

The desire to procreate in women is genetically determined - such is their nature. However, sometimes there is a clash of interests when she is already ready to create a full-fledged family, and she hears a categorical refusal from him. Psychology reveals a similar secret, that is, why specifically men do not want a family and children. This is quite difficult to understand for a woman whose self-realization goes through the family and the birth of children. For a man, realization by nature is in business and career, that is, if he does not have a family, he does not feel inferior, unlike a woman. A man definitely needs to feel successful in what he loves, and the task of a woman is to support and help him in this.

This happens because very often men either do not want children at all, or they do, but much later than women. Such a philosophy of life often leads to discord in romantic, marital relationships. Many couples have faced this, and psychology has identified some of the most common reasons why men postpone the birth of a child, after reading them, it will become more clear to you why some men do not want a family for a long time and do not have children even with a permanent partner.

Why do men not even have children

No matter how careless at first glance a man may seem, in the depths of his soul he still realizes how responsible and serious a step is the birth of a child, changing everything around and the former way of life. From such a thought, various children's fears of a man, which are associated with his parent-family relations, can be activated. As soon as you feel something similar, that is, the absence of objective reasons for the birth of a child and the presence of various excuses, it is best at this moment to start working with a family psychologist together with a man.
Women, of course, also agree to live some time for themselves, but they have a biological time limit. They also tend to rush, live with dreams and hopes for a happy future. For a woman, the whole meaning of life, if she is of course attached to her inner integrity, is to be a wife and a loving mother. Various psychological traumas from childhood or negative attitudes can also unconsciously direct a woman in a different direction. Such a bias simply cannot give anything positive to a woman, since getting pregnant after 30 years for various objective reasons is becoming more and more difficult.
Men highly value their comfort and freedom. The prospect of having a child is frightening because you will either have to work more or consume less in order for the family budget to provide for the baby. There is also a fear of losing oneself as a person, that is, of becoming simply a supply earner, like typical fathers of the family. There are other, more responsible representatives of the stronger sex who simply do not want to doom their child to life in uncomfortable conditions. For example, when the housing issue has not been resolved, such an approach seems quite justified.
If such a question suddenly arose in a couple, then in no case should a woman put pressure on her chosen one, put him before a fact or a choice. It takes time and readiness to speak frankly about a joint future. It is quite possible that a man, living with a woman, is not completely sure that she is the only one with whom he would like to spend his whole life. Consequently, a common child will only add problems. In this case, first of all, you need to think about personal relationships or even look for another, suitable person.
It also happens that it seems to a man that his companion is not ready to become a mother. It happens that vice versa. It's no secret that after giving birth, women plunge headlong into taking care of the baby and push everything else into the background. Men's fears may be related to the fact that their wife will lose her former attractiveness and become mired in household chores. From this follows another reason for not wanting to have children, which psychology demonstrates: men do not want a family and children, because they will need to share the attention and love of their beloved woman with someone else.
Much more serious is the cause of the fear of children. This problem is best dealt with by a professional psychologist. And sometimes it can be a banal dislike for children, if children are perceived as a source of endless noise, disorder and dirt. The funny thing is that, according to statistics, it is from this category of men that the most caring fathers often turn out, since their own child seems to be an angel, and not a screaming monster, like strangers.
Psychology also says that some men who have exchanged their fourth or fifth decade do not want a family and children, because they tend to consider themselves old for the role of a father. It combines the fear of leaving children without a breadwinner, and the fear of not being able to cope with the active duties that inevitably appear with the birth of a baby. The age problem, as psychology shows, on the other hand, has another aspect, when men do not want a family and children, because they think that they are still too young to start a family. It is important to remember that any reason for abandoning children has a reason, that is, the true nuances in the unconscious, which must be dealt with together with a man and a professional psychologist.

- Irina Anatolyevna, the problem of infertility, unfortunately, is not rare, many families are faced with this. It is clear that there are medical reasons. Are there causes of infertility on a psychological and spiritual level?

There are a lot of reasons for infertility at the social level. Values ​​have changed in society, the age limits for creating a family have shifted. If earlier it was customary to create a family for about twenty to twenty-five years. Then people were already considered overstars.

And now people live in the mode of new traditions. First you need to get an education. Then, when people create a family, they say: we will live for ourselves, and then we will give birth to children, we will see ... Life is being planned, but we ourselves do not know what we need.

Traditions are roots. The roots are nourished. When there is no root system, then the body dries up, depleted. There is a tendency towards exhaustion and towards the destruction of the historical norms of family life. It turns out that people, having come to the thirty-year milestone, can only, only create a family. And, of course, it hits the woman more. Because she goes against her nature, against nature.

In my practice, there were examples when women, by the age of thirty, without starting a family (it doesn’t work out for various reasons and psychological and parental scenarios), say: I’m just torn to pieces, I want children. That is, the call of nature in us is at the level of instinct, especially in a woman. But we do not take this into account now. It turns out that we are going against nature, and she takes revenge on us: people often face the problem of infertility.

This is how the social trend works. And besides, there is a whole pie of psychological problems, problems associated with the parental family. If we talk about psychology, then modern women are very emancipated. They want equality with a man and often display a masculine style of behavior. But men don't give birth. The role of a woman is becoming so much actually masculine that the female functions of the body are fading away. If we change the style of behavior, maybe something will improve.

- These are also more social problems.

“Today, the social order is such that everyone should be educated. We follow it - yet they live like that. Everyone will give birth after thirty, so I, too. In America, people generally give birth under forty, under fifty. The era of IVF has begun. Here are our prospects.

- If a woman does not have the opportunity to become pregnant, endure, she begins to obsess. Fixation on conception, mania to have children. What can you advise a woman, how to deal with it? If she has not created a family at the moment, but is already obsessed with childbirth, that is, nature has awakened in her, is the clock ticking? How can she save herself from this obsession and keep her sanity?

- If a woman is alone, there is no man nearby, then she needs to turn towards the topic of readiness for marriage. Watch how good families live. Understand what a family is ideally, how to build it. Then a correct understanding of what a worthy life partner should be will come. And then there will be more chances to find it.

Whenever there is a crisis, we come to the question of values ​​- what is the meaning of life for us. Marriage in itself is not the meaning of life. The real meaning of life is my personal improvement, my worldview, my way of life. Who am I now? What thoughts are in my head, what feelings are in my soul? Why do I live and how will the birth of children help this?

It is necessary to think about what a family is, why we need a family. We bring these questions to our group sessions. We try to understand, to bring together different points of view. Who is in the first place for us - children, husband and wife, father and mother, who? It often turns out that children come first for her (for him there may be other priorities), and then nervousness will prevail in their family. Why? Because the accents are wrong. If, as it should be in the norm, spouses first of all need “we”, “you for me, I for you”, then we have to do something else besides being parents. We have a lot of things in common and we, without getting hung up, live it. Help each other, care for each other, love each other.

They say that children are the fruits of love. Children appear where there is love. Once a woman came to me for a consultation and said that she and her husband had been married for several years, but they had no children. We began to promote this problem, and I saw that this woman has an emphasis on herself. When I asked the question: “Do you love your spouse?”, She said: “I always asked myself this question with some periodicity. I don't think I love him." And if we don't love, we just don't accept, we reject the sowing. That is, the seed is sometimes not taken to the soil if it is not loosened, not cultivated with love.

But in fact, it is different. Children also appear in dysfunctional families. But if we are talking about preparing for parenthood too, what task can we set for ourselves? What do we need to do?

You need to set goals for yourself at every stage of life consciously. Sometimes, instead, we are driven by dependence on public opinion, "that's what they want" - and we begin to get upset that we are not succeeding.

Any problem provokes us to change for the better. You need to think - why do I need this situation? How do I react? I get angry, I get nervous and I get rude, I start complaining and then judgmental and I lose my temper.

Why? What for? If a person wants children, it will definitely be. Moreover, the Lord blesses the children. He will give them, but we ourselves can unconsciously postpone these dates, because we need to somehow prepare a place for the children. The child "will strive" for quiet and balanced parents, mature, mature emotionally.

Sometimes people want a family and children purely theoretically, but unconsciously they may not want it. Often the fears with which she has grown together are dearer and closer to a woman. Sometimes a person says that he wants children, but he himself pushes it away, because being a parent is very scary. Some people are subconsciously afraid that they will repeat, already in the role of parents, the experience of their parental family, in which they experienced discomfort, in which they saw that they were not loved, in which their parents said: “How did you get me, it would be better if you weren’t there” .

- Irina Anatolyevna, that is, it turns out that a person, through his fears, can even put up some physiological barriers in himself for the appearance of children, even unconsciously?

- Yes, and the body blocks this need.

— So, at the same time, in order to check their health, one can advise such families to turn to psychologists, work with them to see how much a person psychologically subconsciously wants to have children. To what extent the conscious mind agrees with the subconscious...

- I would not want a person to go in cycles now in digging in his subconscious, to feel guilty. But sometimes it’s worth doing some work on yourself to remove this block. Sometimes intricacies occur in us, that you begin to unravel some wires and a new resource opens up.

It is sometimes said that in order for something to germinate, the seed must be in the ground for a while. Just that parable, when a woman, 30-35 years old, came to the elder and said that she had no children, but she really wanted them. He led her along, picked up a shovel, and began to dig the ground. I dug a huge hole with its growth in size and placed it there. On the surface, the girl had only her head.

One of the ideas of the parable is that for some it is a reconnection with nature, with what feeds us. At the same time, women are advised to break out of the city and stay somewhere, relax in nature for about a few weeks, in order, on the one hand, to escape from the hustle and bustle, from nervousness and at the same time get a resource from nature, and what is very important - to be alone with yourself, without TVs, computers, smartphones. In the city, we are always in a hustle and bustle, and we have to prepare a playground for the child.

Let's return to the parable. The woman did everything without complaint. Then the husband comes running: “What is the matter with my wife?” And then he curbed himself, because after all, they came to the elder, and the elder knows what he is doing. And this trust is transferred to the image of God. Because God knows what He wants.

If you do not know how to influence something, then change your attitude to this problem. There is even this prayer: « Lord, give me the mind and peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other. Because when a person is fixated on his desire, it is very selfish. A person can stay in this anxiety for a very long time and thereby destroy himself.

That is why they advise - switch to something else, take care of yourself, your inner state, help others, go to friends, do good, do something with your husband. Fill your life, because children cannot be the only and absolute meaning of life. If you yourself are not mature like that, then what can you give to a child? Since the most important meaning of life is to grow, please, regardless of whether we have children or not, we must still develop and move.

- It turns out that the main role of a woman is not motherhood?

- The main role of any person, both man and woman, is just love. Motherhood is one of the functions of the female role, but this is not the main thing. The main thing is to be a Man with a capital letter.

- But a woman who cannot be realized as a mother, she feels deprived, unworthy, just an inferior person. What does she need to pay attention to in order to remove her inferiority? Or just take this situation as a lesson in humility and switch the love she wants to give the child to something else?

This issue is closely related to the topic of self-esteem. Motherhood is one of the main purposes of a woman. When she looks around, she sees that there are many women nearby who have children, and she suffers from the fact that her destiny has not been realized.

But the self-esteem of a healthy person does not depend on circumstances, even such. By and large, happiness is within us. Regardless of whether we correspond to some of our social roles. You need to somehow be able to look inside yourself for joy, peace, love. If my husband and I love each other, then we love regardless of whether we have children or not.

Anxiety, neuroticism also comes from the fact that you want to compensate for what your loved ones do not give you. If you feel that there is no depth of relationship, you feel their incompleteness, you want to supplement it. Sometimes the solution comes in the form of a false thought that children are needed, a “full-fledged family”. In fact, a full-fledged family is when a husband and wife love each other.

- So, you need to discuss with your husband the meaning of the family. It should not be only in children, because when they grow up, the family also ceases to be necessary for these two.

- That's how it happens. In families where the emphasis is on the birth and upbringing of children, the focus is on the parental subsystem. The parental subsystem is the self-perception that we are, first of all, parents. And sometimes spouses forget about the marital subsystem, where they started, what motivated them when they started a family, they wanted to be spouses.

First of all, we are for each other. We met, secured it with a formal union. We are interested, it is good for us to be together, we have something to fill this space with. We have a lot of impressions, it is interesting for us to communicate. It is through communication that the talent of love is realized. And then communication narrows to the limits: we are parents, life.

And then we start being parents to each other. Spouses begin to control each other, issue instructions, as they did in relation to children, and behind these chores they shift their entire focus of life. And then they no longer walk together, they don’t rest, they don’t discuss anything, and quietly, quietly they move away from each other. And when children grow up, spouses often become uninteresting to each other.

- That is, the marital subsystem is more important? Is she fundamental? So she can exist without realizing herself as a parent?

- If there are children, and they see that dad and mom are for each other, then they see this love, its manifestations, what they are interested in together, that they are friends, then the children learn this behavior model and transfer it into their lives. And if parents live for the sake of their children, then the children see that they are the navel of the earth for them, then they do not learn the right communication skills of some kind. Against this background, they may develop delusions of grandeur. That is, they are the main ones, everything is for them and they will wait in their future family that everything will be done for them, everything will be served, everything will live for them for them ...

- Irina Anatolyevna, there are families built, it would seem ideal. There were no civil marriages, cohabitation, abortions, but no children. A year, two, three, all the relatives at every family holiday every time they look - is there a belly, if not - why? What do you not want? How does this family perceive the situation? Maybe in your practice there were such examples when people coped with such a situation, when everything was done as it should, but there were no children. I have such a familiar couple, they were each other's first, married for about ten years. They have already asked all their acquaintances not to ask, because it is impossible to answer the question “When?” at every holiday. It is hard for her from these endless questions and the fact that it is impossible to understand the reason for this. They went to the doctors and everything is in order for both her and her husband. How to deal with it? How not to make mistakes for a man, because there is such a temptation to go and try to be realized in another family ... What would you advise?

- The fact that you can’t get pregnant is not a reason for divorce. Often, after all, such a picture happens, I met in practice that people are waiting for children for 8, 9, 10 years, and when the child appears, the man leaves the family. Here another topic is revealed. He is used to the fact that everything is for him, his wife gives a lot of attention, care, and he accepts. And the man himself may, in principle, not be ready for a child. Then he begins to be jealous of his wife for the child, like a little one, although he is already under forty. A man leaves because he gets used to being taken care of, and he cannot enter into the role of a father. And here, from the side of a woman, you need to watch how a man talks about children, how he communicates with little ones, whether he had brothers and sisters, how he communicated with them ... Although it seems that he also says: “I want children!”, In the depths things may not be that simple.

- But it also happens that a man leaves a family in which children are not born. In order, as he says, to become a father, to be realized with another woman.

- If we come to the topic of the role of a man in the family, then one of them is a breadwinner. But the first role is a protector. He must be responsible and protective. Masculinity is manifested in how he can provide protection to his family, wife, and then children. Because children, looking at him, form their standard of behavior, their relationship with a partner. A woman, his wife is defenseless, because she solves the problem of infertility. Perhaps she does not feel protected in him and therefore does not give birth, does not become pregnant. Perhaps she is not sure of him, and then he will give it to her: “I don’t love you, I fell in love with another.” Such mechanisms may exist. Not a protector.

- And if a person in the role of a father seeks to assert himself? Without this role, he does not feel like a man.

- Allegedly, until he becomes a father, he will not become strong. This is only his second role. The first is the role of the husband. When it becomes all right in the head, because in families we often have dysfunctions such that we do not rank priorities the way we should. And this is on different fronts. It is necessary to constantly raise questions: what is on the first, what is on the second? Who is first, who is second?

- So, the family is complete even without children. Is it possible then to cultivate in love in such a family? Is happiness possible in such a family?

Happiness, of course, is possible in such a family. Happiness is absolutely real even for a very lonely person. In a family or without a family, a person must be self-sufficient within himself. Learn to be lonely if he doesn't have a family. Loneliness is such a completeness, it is such a wealth, it is a conversation with yourself, with God, a conversation with people to whom you can give something. It doesn't matter who is with you. Our task is to love and increase love and become strong.

- That is, even that love that cannot be directed to your own child and overwhelms you, can be directed to anyone. On other people, on other children. You can not keep it in yourself and lose heart that there is no one to give it to, but simply start giving it away.

— There are many possibilities. In fact, as long as we fantasize that I would be exceptionally loving towards my own children, I begin to destroy myself. Without giving love, we only destroy ourselves. Because the talent that we have, we begin to poison with despondency, anger, and life passes. There are no children - and everything is bad. And as if life failed.

Sometimes this is a challenge to God. "Until I have children, I am unhappy, You are to blame." This is the problem of ingratitude. We can and should thank God for every moment, for every breath, for what we have and for what we don't.

Sometimes people say that I was so silky, so good and fluffy, and with the birth of children, such a flood came out of me, what happened to me, I don’t know. Because children are such teachers! It seems to us that there will be such an angel ... but it wasn’t there! ..

- What should a couple strive for if God does not give children?

“Love one another and everything else will be added to you!” These words are from the gospel. Sometimes it seems to us that we love each other, and this is such an inexhaustible depth. Who can take the liberty of saying, "I love you to the end"? Until the end of his life, hardly any of us can say with complete certainty that I love a person as completely as our heavenly Father loves us? Unconditionally, unconditionally?

Of course, children are the fullness of relationships. And when they are not, it seems that something is missing. The search for the culprit begins...

It happens that a woman receives a sentence that there will never be children, for various reasons. How does a man take it? To what extent can he be a consistent and whole person? Here it is usually recommended to take foster children. But people always need to have their own.

- If you don’t have your own children, then you need to somehow realize yourself through foster children or help in an orphanage?

- There are nephews, some relatives who have many children, godchildren, that is, it is not difficult to fill this apparent vacuum. We have a lot of love, and it must be given to someone.

Marital relations need to be diversified all the time. Often, when we focus on a problem, we can't see beyond our own noses. Some get hung up on the fact that they need their own children. This is also somewhat selfish. We are all related to each other, starting from Adam and Eve. There are no strangers.

- I know many cases when people who did not have children took an adopted child into the family and literally within a year they conceived their own child. As if some kind of block was filmed psychological.

- And this happens because they parted with egoism. They began to live for others. We step over some barrier in ourselves, and the Lord, as it were, encourages this step, that we have solved some of our problems, parted with our weaknesses.

Is it possible to part with these weaknesses otherwise than through adoption?

We have already talked about a number of things that can be done. Some people ask: “Why is it easy for someone to have children, but everything is difficult for me? There are a lot of hidden mechanisms here. For example, a person forbids himself to be happy: “everything is bad, bad, bad, unhappy, unhappy” ... And so he lives in this. That is, "I don't deserve to be happy." This needs to be worked on.

How? There is definitely some kind of hidden problem, unexplored at one time, where this feeling of lack of demand for oneself in life has formed. For example, a person with whom you lived for 10 years, letting everything take its course for various reasons - he felt so comfortable, you took care of him, and he could not bear your female happiness. When a woman gives birth, she is happy in this motherhood, but he will not allow it, he will say “I’ll go to another woman, and you will still be unhappy” ... There are many different reasons that need to be worked on.

Sometimes children behave ugly in adolescence, a mother can sometimes overstep the bounds and in a fit say: “You'll see when you have your own children!” ... This is a kind of curse. And the girl says: “And I will never have children!” And she is already programming herself. This might work too. If you install a program for yourself, then everything is already blocked by this ...

The main thing, of course, is to understand your true desires. Desire is not only “I want children by all means!”, theoretically. And practically - what do I do for this. The most important thing is personal development. What is stopping me from developing?

— I can tell you about myself. For a long time I was afraid to read anything about family relationships. Because the truth will expose you. I realized this not too long ago. You know nothing and live normally. It rolls somewhere there for itself and rolls, let it roll to a good place. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t roll… Therefore, we must be honest with ourselves. shenlina)

It would seem that family is the most important thing in life! But not all men think that way, some often do not have enough time for loved ones. But what if the husband spends very little time with his family?

What's the matter?

The reasons why a man may not want to spend time with his family can be very different. Some of them are listed below:

• Banal fatigue. If a lot of duties fall on the shoulders of a husband who has come home from work and is very tired, then he probably does not like it. And after all, many wives often simply do not notice that they are overloading and even overloading their faithful. The head of the family has just stepped on the threshold of the house, and they are already waiting for him with a list of things to do. But he worked all day and so wants to rest! No wonder he refuses to go home and spend time with his family, he just needs a rest.
• Fear. It would seem, what to be afraid of? But in fact, there are many reasons for fear. So, if there is a small child in the family, then the man may be afraid that he will not be able to cope with caring for him, with his upbringing. And the easiest way out is to get away from all this, protect yourself from loved ones and literally hide your “head in the sand”. Unfortunately, this is exactly what most married representatives of the stronger sex do.
• Lack of interest in the child, in the family. Unfortunately, men do not have a maternal instinct, and they cannot immediately fall in love with a child who is born. And if he was born as planned and from his beloved woman, then everything will soon fall into place: the spouse will get used to the new role of the father and begin to live a new life with pleasure. But if he initially didn’t want a baby, then even after his birth, nothing can change.
• Job. Many men have to spend literally day and night at work. And if such a situation arose, then bad thoughts immediately arise in the wife’s head that these are just excuses, and the faithful one increases the length of the working day at his own request or even stays for personal reasons. But, most likely, he is just trying to provide for his family, and therefore is forced to work hard and often linger. And do not look for a catch in everything.
• Wife. This reason, by the way, is almost the most common, and it is very sad. Yes, many women destroy family happiness with their own hands, constantly reproaching and “drank” their husband. And who likes constant nit-picking? Nobody. And let them not be groundless, let you scold your spouse for always scattered socks or an unraveled toilet seat. Changing your habits is not easy, and sometimes the best solution is to put up with them. And then everything will be easy and good.
• Lack of desire. Some men just don't understand that spending time with family can be interesting, laid-back, and fun. They perceive it as a routine duty that every head of the family and father must perform. He simply does not understand why stay with loved ones, if you can spend time with friends, watch a movie or play a computer game.
• Another woman or even family. This, unfortunately, also occurs, but not often. If the husband does not appear at home for days, then this is a serious reason to think. But in reality, things can be different, so don't "cut off the shoulder."
• Routine. Perhaps family life has become a routine and rather tired and bored with your husband. This often happens.
• . When a representative of the stronger sex approaches an important age threshold (usually at 35-40 years old), he begins to evaluate his life, look at himself from the outside and think that he has achieved almost nothing, and only dullness lies ahead. Many men go through a crisis, and at this stage they often plunge into themselves and do not want to see anyone, including their family.
• Secrets. Probably, the spouse tries to avoid communication with his loved ones, as he hides something important from them, is afraid to let it out, or feels guilty.
• Lack of common themes. Probably, the spouse simply has nothing to talk about with his wife and child.

How to be?

What to do if the husband does not have time for a family? First you need to find out the reasons, and this will require a serious and frank conversation. But do not shout, blame your loved one, just ask him a direct question. But be gentle, calm him down if he gets nervous. Listen to your spouse and draw conclusions.

If the cause is known and it is one of the above, then the following tips will be useful for you:

1. If a man is tired, just let him rest! And even though the shelf has not yet been hung up, you still have not gone to the new kitchen table. But the spouse will be able to relax and, finally, understand that the house and family can be associated with relaxation, and not with a bunch of responsibilities.
2. If the husband is afraid of not coping with the role of a father, then just support him, instill confidence that he will certainly become a great dad, that he will succeed.
3. If a man has no interest in his own child, the situation is very complicated and probably cannot be corrected. But his attitude to family life may change over time. Ready to wait? Then patience and strength to you!
4. If the spouse does not spend time with the family because he works a lot, then try to explain to him that you still won’t earn all the money. In addition, start saving or helping him, that is, get a job (by the way, you can earn money at home with your child).
5. Start with yourself, change. If you are a real “saw”, then stop constantly reproaching your husband, meet him with a smile and do not pay attention to his minor flaws, everyone has them.
6. Make everyday life interesting, exciting, so that your spouse has a desire to participate in family life. For example, you can play games together, go for a walk, do common activities.
7. If your missus has another woman or family, then only you can decide how to live on.
8. Is the man in a midlife crisis? Then support him in every possible way so that he survives this period with minimal losses and understands that all the best is ahead, and the family is the most important thing that he has. You will have to be patient and become a real "vest" or a strong shoulder that you can lean on.
9. Find common topics of conversation or common interests. It can be movies, music groups or songs, sports and so on. If the husband is satisfied with his work and profession, ask him to tell you how the day went. Tell me about your business. And develop diversified to support any topic and be an interesting conversationalist.

It remains only to wish all women to understand the situation and fully return her husband to the family.