My husband has a different family. Husband has another family

What to do if the husband has a second wife and a second family?

The husband has a second wife, and you didn’t even have a lover? When a woman finds out that she is not the only one in a man's life and he lives in "parallel worlds", it becomes very bitter. Today in the women's club "Who is over 30" will talk about this topic.

It is wrong to blame the other one for what happened. Of course, all situations are different, but a man is not a stool that can be taken and rearranged from place to place. He "rules" in the situation.
Especially when everything goes so deep and for a long time that he considers his mistress to be his second wife, albeit a civil one. And some are even capable of marriage, for example, in Las Vegas or even with fake documents.

How did you find out about your spouse's second wife?

This is a very important question and in many ways answers a number of questions. Club komy-za30.ru has collected feedback from regular readers.

• My husband had a second family at about the same moment when I gave birth to my second daughter. His mistress got pregnant, imagined who knows who and called me. I recorded our conversation and showed it to my husband. He explained that now he could not do anything with her, since she was pregnant. He does not communicate with her, but simply sends money to the child. He was embarrassed to know that she had called. Elena.
• I began to notice that he is increasingly “going on business trips”, the weekend is somewhere not with us. He says - with friends, but somehow I stumbled upon those of his friends in a completely different place, he was not with them. I brought him to talk. Turns out he's cheating. It was unpleasant, I divorced, forbade to communicate with children. Sveta.
• I, like many women, have always disliked my mother-in-law. And then something terrible happened. The husband brought his second wife to meet her, so he called her. And the mother-in-law, instead of somehow scolding him and refusing to communicate, accepted her as her own. It's a shame - nothing to say. Lera.

Of course, the fact that a woman has appeared, and even more so a second family, can be reported by friends, work colleagues, and relatives. Sometimes it’s easy to guess for yourself: after all, his income is leaking somewhere.
Although sometimes it is difficult to guess at the cost of funds, because a husband can earn very well and not tell you about all the income. And sometimes a completely wealthy man starts a second one. And in this case, Eastern laws no longer apply, according to which a man should have enough money to support several of his wives and offspring.

Here, for example, is such a situation.

• The husband brought his second wife to our common apartment. It was terrible! This person seemed to need just that. She turned out to be completely unsympathetic, of course, younger, but the lady is clearly not the freshest. And he brought her because I stopped all relations with him, stopped cooking, settled in another room. So he brought her to spite me. Okay, we have grown daughters who helped me sort things out. Barbara.

My husband has a second wife: what is she like?

So we come to another issue that always worries many women. It seems to them that she is young, gorgeous, buxom. Of course, this also happens, but very rarely, which only confirms the rule. And if she is busty, then in addition to the bust there are other parts of the body, also not small.

The second wife may not even be that beautiful. He just found in her what he lacked in you. And that's why, in order to prevent this from happening, never forget in marriage that men are not interested in what you are. That he does not always need only a hearty dinner and constant evenings at home by the window.

What to do if the husband has a second family?

The decision in the heat of the moment is to get a divorce. And here, probably, you should not dissuade or convince of something.
To some, divorce seems terribly tragic. Questions will arise ... What to live on? Where to live? How to build your future now? What will happen to the children?

Of course, it is right to think about all this. But you should not sacrifice your destiny for the sake of something or someone. Even for the sake of the children. After all, when they grow up, many cannot forgive their mother for not getting divorced. Others are the opposite.

Living with a person for money is sad. After all, if you want, you can earn yourself. And spending a single life on “self-digging” (and it will work out, because a man will remain “on horseback” if there is no parting with you) is also not entirely true.

If it is difficult for you to make a decision, then he should make it. After all, it was the husband who created this situation. He must choose who is dearer to him. After all, living in parallel in both “camps” means causing pain to both women, especially the first. It is necessary to try nobly - as far as possible - to get out of the situation.

Take, for example, the situation with Meladze.

When a husband has a second family for a long time, it is not easy not only for women, children, but also for the man himself. Sometimes you need to take the plunge and choose the one you want to be with more. But the former family cannot be left without a livelihood, children without paternal love and support.

This is by no means propaganda of bigamy, but simply an analysis of the life situation. After all, it is not always so easy to do a “male” act and cope alone with a sea of ​​increasing problems when a husband has a second family.

Who is over 30 - a club for women after 30.

Good afternoon, Anton Mikhailovich!
Help, please, advice.
I have been together with my husband for seven years, married for 3 years. The love was real, I still love him. He - I don't know, says he loves. We have a 2 year old son. In the last month of pregnancy, I suspected my husband of cheating: I came home after a corporate party, very drunk and in my underwear inside out (dirty, I left exactly in clean and properly dressed - I saw it myself), and even when I called to find out where he was, I didn’t pick up the phone for a long time, then called back, and the sound of the intercom of the front door was heard. From all this, I concluded that someone had it. The baby was born and my suspicions grew. Constant refusals from sex, incomprehensible reaction with screams and departures, threats. Calls began in the morning from the same colleague, then SMS. In my life, under other circumstances, I would not climb into the phone, but here I could not overcome my curiosity. Then she sent a photo of the baby. Well, in general, somehow I could not stand it and said that I know everything. He admitted that the child may be his. According to him, this woman is sure that this is his child. He said that he was very sorry that he had made a mistake and wanted to be with me, but it was all over with her. It all lasted 2 years before his recognition. Of course, I periodically spoke about my suspicions and asked why he constantly refused me sex for so long. The answers are "tired" and "no one is there", well, and other beliefs. But I did not believe and remained with the thought that there was someone else. After his confession, she began to write to me, so that I would let him go, I did not answer her. It seems that calm has come and I began to believe that it was really all over, but 2 weeks ago I found out that they were talking calls. SMS, some business, although they no longer work together, meeting for a walk when he walks with a child. I managed to listen to a few calls, it seems like nothing, but the communication is very nice and they don’t communicate with the former. She constantly asks for help, and he is interested in her health and affairs. He explained to me that he was communicating with her so that she would not file for paternity. I cannot persuade him to do a DNA test - immediately a scandal. He says that they have nothing else and he is with me. Now she works in another company, but in the same building with him, and they constantly call up and go out together to sit in a cafe, in a car. I saw it myself. And in the morning he leaves the house - immediately call her, I'm from home - he calls again, went to the store and again. I managed to hear all these calls thanks to friends who have unlimited opportunities in this area. In general, I don’t know what to do, I want to be with him, but how to live with this? I am ready to forgive for everything, but I cannot close my eyes to this, I am very depressed. I'm still on maternity leave and I'm going to work in 2 months, maybe this will change something in my worldview. Give, please, advice. I think he himself is very confused, but he does not want to decide anything, he says "accept and live, I will communicate with her only because of the child." I don’t mind, but only for the sake of the child, and judging by the SMS and telephone conversations, it’s not only this, but I can’t say that there is sex.
Thank you, sorry for the crumpled text, I typed while driving until there was a rush, otherwise I won’t make up my mind later.

Tatyana, Krasnodar, 36 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello, Tatyana.

//But I didn't believe and stayed with the thought that there is someone else.// You, it turns out, stay with your feelings and thoughts all the time, and give out demands and claims to the surface - for example, "why don't we have sex" . The husband perceives it as a claim, begins to either defend himself or repent. As you can see, it was different - both excuses (protection) and repentance (it's all over, I want to be with you). The husband, apparently, also did the same with you - he gave out some claims, you were offended, both closed, then asked for forgiveness from each other, but did not solve the situation with unmet needs. There was no most important thing that would bring the situation to another level - a calm and benevolent clarification WHY everything happened this way. What did he miss in the family? What caused the betrayal? Is he aware of his feelings? And you yourself? As long as two people in marriage each have their own ideas about how things should be, and at the same time do not inform their partner that they are missing something, they are silent and choke on their dissatisfaction - then sooner or later another or another. Allegedly by accident. For the fact that such conversations do not arise in marriage, both are responsible. After all, this culture still needs to be formed, and for this both need to learn to formulate - what is missing, what they would like, to formulate their feelings and thoughts in general, while learning to accept criticism calmly (and express it correctly too), and not be offended and not blame . But if from the very beginning, instead of talking, accusations, “attacks” and sharp insults to any remarks arise, then each of the partners closes in on himself, and then such situations arise .... All that can be advised here is to learn to find out and finally start do it. On both of my sites (links here in the profile to Cleo) there is an article "A short guide to resolving family conflicts." It is written in detail about how to talk and why. It remains only to study. And now learn to discuss and find out every controversial moment calmly - what, for what, what needs are behind this, how can they be realized in the least traumatic way for a partner, etc. Unless of course you both want to keep the relationship.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.

My husband has a second family...

Remember, the hero of Yuri Nikulin from The Prisoner of the Caucasus sang: “If I were a sultan, I would have three wives. And triple beauty, would be surrounded. But on the other hand ... "Real life shows that in order to have three wives, it is not necessary to be a sultan, but polygamy (albeit unofficial) can fully provide troubles and worries. No wonder situations when one of the spouses is in a serious relationship outside their family are called "triangles of suffering".

Of course, a casual acquaintance, a first date, a passionate night in a hotel room, do not always and immediately develop into something more. The affair of a married man may remain for him only a pleasant memory, a risky adventure, an amazing experience. But it can also be a starting point. The very one from which, in the future, the characters of history will draw their own triangle of suffering, mutual accusations and scandals.

Women with increased anxiety quickly, almost instantly, notice the slightest changes. They determine by details, by nuances whether everything is in order or it is time to sound the alarm: for example, a man began to somehow take special care of himself, began to turn a blind eye to what had previously caused him indignation, etc. If the alarm signal was received on time and the necessary steps were taken actions, the development of a negative scenario for the family can be prevented. True, there is no single algorithm of actions, because each story has its own unique scenario. But general points can be distinguished. I note that if you cultivate anxiety, you can bring yourself to nervous exhaustion.

Imagine that the experience of the family life of the heroes is not great.
Between spouses there is mutual attraction, passion, desire for intimacy. It’s just that there was a failure in the family system, because of which the man decided on an easy romance. In this case, you need to press pause to analyze the situation.

What feelings does your spouse lack? After all, if a man feels dissatisfaction at one of the levels of communication with his wife (emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral, sexual), he will try to compensate for the lack of necessary emotions on the side. Maybe a man needs more attention and care? Perhaps he does not receive confirmation of his amazing sexual abilities in the family (after all, this is very significant for a man), he does not feel the support of his wife and her approval. Or, on the contrary, he cannot restrain his passionate impulses. There is also a completely banal option - the spouse is simply bored to exist in the home-work-home format. It is also important to understand the portrait of the opponent. If you determine the type of woman, her strengths and, as a result, those qualities that attracted a man will become clear. By identifying weak areas, a wise woman will be able to quietly make adjustments to communication with her husband.

You can go the other way, openly influence your beloved man and directly declare: “I know everything, I will not stand it!” But you need to understand - this is an all-in game. The spouse may be afraid that he will lose his family if the new relationship does not yet have a solid foundation, or maybe pack a suitcase. This method is definitely not suitable for ladies who do not love their husband so much as adore his resources. They react to everything not emotionally, but rationally. I will only note that men feel such women, they understand perfectly well that the spouse is ready to turn a blind eye to everything, for the sake of status, financial situation, apparent stability. Next to such women, the representatives of the stronger sex begin to allow themselves a lot, at the same time, internal dissatisfaction with marriage is growing. And where is the guarantee that sooner or later a woman will not appear on the path of a man, relations with which will become a serious threat to the family and to that very stamp?

And now another story - marriage with experience.
It is not so easy to turn the tide in this case, because the spouses have already got used to each other, there are no former emotions, unbridled passions. A mistress gives a man both emotional and sexual warmth, and this greatly brightens up his life. However, the desire of a man to live on the knurled, affection, habit works for his wife.

If a woman who has learned about her husband's passion wants to save her family, then first of all she needs to calm down. Do not forget, the mistress only dreams that you will collect the things of the betrothed and put them out the door. Therefore, it is important not to pursue your husband, but to take care of yourself: sign up for dancing, get a new hobbyto be interesting to other people. An unexpected call from a fan or dinner with a girlfriend activates a man’s alarm (the main thing is not to overdo it). At the same time, it is possible to influence the values ​​of the spouse, to focus on children, on the meaning of the family, on property (if the spouses have joint property or business, then the thought of divorce and division of all acquired is unbearable). In other words, you need to use everything that can become the basis for maintaining relationships.

You should be more careful with the manifestation of sexual interest. Some women begin to demonstrate special activity in bed, thinking that their spouse simply does not have enough sex. But such a “counterattack” is extremely difficult for men, because they cannot portray passion, imitate pleasure. Because of this, irritation with his wife can only grow.

If the family is a value for both spouses, and the marriage is harmonious on an emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral level, and only sexual passion has faded away, then a man is unlikely to leave the family of his own free will. By the way, there is an interesting statistic: of the four men who left the family, three regret it, and two make attempts to return. So do not rush to get divorced!

But before starting the fight for her marriage, a woman must determine whether she is ready to forgive and understand. In my practice, there were cases when wives managed to save the marriage, but they developed such a feeling of resentment and hostility that they were forced to work with a psychologist.

However, women do not always learn about infidelity, so to speak, in a timely manner. Some men show the talents of James Bond and David Copperfield rolled into one. They clearly delineate the boundaries of the family and protect them from the onslaught of mistresses. And a wise lover, realizing that a man will not leave his first family, will not invade the territory of marriage. So there are more bonuses for her. There are a lot of stories when wives found out about the existence of a mistress with a child only after the death of their husbands.

Suppose a man's relationship with another woman has gone too far-they became parents, and the deceived wife still found out about it.
Men react differently to illegitimate children. Starting from deleting a mistress from life, accusations of infidelity, refusal to acknowledge paternity. Ending with principled statements: “This is my child. I will support him and take care of him.” In this case, the baby's mother is no longer perceived as a girlfriend, relations with her move to a more serious level.

But what should the legal wife do, for whom the whole world turned upside down overnight? First of all, analyze the situation and get an objective assessment of what happened. If the husband has had a constant relationship on the side for many years, and moreover, a child is growing in that union, and the wife did not even know about it, then the relationship was not so rosy. Therefore, it is important for a deceived woman to determine her own feelings. She loves - she doesn’t love, she can forgive and live with it or she can’t, she will continue to believe her husband or not ... And is such a marriage really needed? And further tactics will depend on this. In any case, one should not engage in self-destruction, fall into despair and slide into depression and despondency. You need to take your life into your own hands and take action. How? As your heart tells you.