The strong thing is that loss cannot be avoided. How to cope with the pain of loss

In terms of intensity of passions, it is second only to divorce or the death of a loved one. Especially when it comes to dismissal.

Experts advise: try to leave with dignity, without offending others or destroying yourself. Your future life depends on how you behave during this difficult time.

Give it your all!

There is a huge temptation to finally tell your boss everything you think about him. Or do something nasty: hide the necessary data, take away the phone numbers of important clients, paralyzing the work of the once dear company for some time.

Do not do that! Firstly, the professional circle is very narrow, and when your new boss calls your ex, he is unlikely to find at least a couple of kind words addressed to you. Secondly, if you want your boss to truly regret your dismissal, you need to act in exactly the opposite way.

Gather your will and on the last day say a warm goodbye to him, saying the kindest words. Maybe he won’t call you back (which, by the way, is possible), but he will certainly give you an excellent reference. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you had before this minute. As you know, the first and last words are remembered most.

Risk group

Losing a job often undermines a person's self-esteem. He develops a feeling of resentment and a feeling of loss of control over life: “Why was I fired?”, “Am I really the worst employee?”, “I don’t decide anything in this life.” If such thoughts come to you, you need to tell yourself: “Stop! Life is not only work. In such a difficult situation, it is much more constructive to ask another question - why did fate give you such a test, what lessons can be learned from this?

Practice shows that most often people who have two opposing psychological attitudes lose their jobs. First of all, these are those who, unnoticed by themselves, began to live by inertia, for whom work has not brought either moral or material satisfaction for a long time. But the poor guy doesn’t have the courage to put the application on the table himself. And every morning he goes to work, as if to hard labor. So fate throws him an unexpected solution to the problem - in the form of staff reductions or rotations leading to dismissal.

Oddly enough, people with a different attitude are also at risk of losing their jobs - workaholics who identify their life with work, putting it in first place in the scale of life values. Fate often punishes for such one-sidedness. In addition, an overly zealous employee often irritates his superiors: what if he turns out to be more professional than his management?

Vicious circle

Having lost his job, a person has a huge amount of free time at his disposal. Perhaps at first it’s even pleasing: you’ll finally be able to relax! But, as a rule, it is impossible to truly relax. And the unemployed person begins to experience the emptiness that has suddenly formed in his life. According to the observations of psychologists, such a situation is a breeding ground for the emergence of neurosis.

A kind of vicious circle arises: due to the fact that there is no job, you feel depressed, and this, in turn, makes it impossible to find a job. If this condition lasts long enough, it can lead not only to depression, but also to severe physical illness. Psychiatrists often observe this effect of “psychophysical wear and tear” not only among those who have lost their jobs, but also among those who have retired: an intensively working person suddenly begins to rapidly age, and all sorts of sores begin to stick to him.

To avoid this, experts advise that you should start looking for a new job on the same day you were informed of your dismissal. The more time passes after losing a job, the more difficult it will be to find one. Treat dismissal as a test of strength, as an exam, passing which you will come to success.

The more actions, the greater the impact

And so that during the time “from work to work” you do not destroy yourself, and at the same time your relationships with friends and loved ones, try to develop a clear strategy:

● Keep the same rhythm and routine of life. Get up, have breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time as before. If you are a man, be sure to shave every morning. If you are a woman, comb your hair and wear light makeup.

● Do something every day to look for a job: surf the Internet, send out resumes, study job magazines, go on interviews. A pattern has been noticed: if today you called not five, but ten companies, then tomorrow you will receive twice as many calls as in previous days.

● Use your free time to take care of your health. Don't watch TV late, get enough sleep, don't drink coffee or strong tea, and be sure to go outside every day. Visit a dentist, other doctors, undergo treatment if necessary. Do all the boring but necessary household chores that you never got around to doing before.

Don't isolate yourself

Unfortunately, often during a period of forced inactivity, a person’s relationships with loved ones deteriorate. At first they sympathize with him, but as he withdraws and becomes depressed, this begins to irritate those around him.

● Try not to be disconnected from the life of the family: take on some responsibilities that were previously performed by others, share your thoughts, discuss household problems.

● If friends invite you to visit, do not refuse, citing a bad mood. Maybe that's where you'll meet someone who can help you find a job. Despite progress in the field of employment (Internet, recruiting agencies), they prefer to hire us, as before, “by acquaintance.”

● Don’t neglect a temporary job offer while continuing to look for a permanent one. If you prove yourself well, it can become permanent.

● No one is immune from dramatic turns of fate. Even geniuses. The example of one of the players of the Real Madrid football club is widely known. A freak car accident confined him to a wheelchair for a whole year. In the end, he managed to get back on his feet, but had to say goodbye to his brilliant football career. “What to do? After all, I don’t know how to do anything besides football!” – the former football player was tormented. Friends advised him to try himself in... the singing genre. And they were right. This is how the brilliant Julio Iglesias appeared to the world.

● The story of another famous person is no less significant. Before becoming famous in the literary field, he was... an accountant. Everything changed when the unknown Mr. Porter was accused of embezzlement and went to prison. Out of melancholy and hopelessness, he began to write stories. He emerged from prison as a popular novelist, known under the pseudonym O'Henry.

7 Sure Ways to Lose Your Job

1. Have no plans.

2. Fail to maintain and update your skills and abilities.

3. Do not provide any results.

5. Surround yourself with sycophants.

6. Forgetting to give credit to others.

By the way

Stress caused by dismissal is more pronounced in men. Women are more resilient to the blows of fate and react flexibly to stressful situations. People of retirement age, as well as those who cross the “dangerous” age limits, experience the loss of work very painfully: the so-called age of first adulthood (33-35/35-37 years) and mature age – 46-48/52-54.

The level of stress experienced also depends on the psychological type to which a person belongs. Temperamental, sociable people, although they take the news of dismissal hard, overcome the stressful situation relatively quickly. As a rule, two weeks are enough for them to be free from stress. Another thing is that people are phlegmatic and withdrawn. Their stress develops progressively and lasts for a long period.

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Kim Morgan is one of the UK's pioneering business and personal trainers and Managing Director of the world's most successful coaching company, Barefoot Coaching. Winner of the British Coach of the Year Award.

1. Acknowledge the pain

Ben came to me after breaking up with his fiancée. A polite young man who had the courage to ask me for help. Ben and his girlfriend have been together since childhood: they went to university together, found a good job, bought a house and set a wedding date. From the outside they seemed like an ideal couple. But one day his girlfriend said that she had met someone else. And then she left her new home. Together with the cat. Ben had to call off the wedding and inform the guests about it. He was left alone in a house full of memories.

“I felt like I had lost everything. She left me, just like everyone else: no one understands how lonely and sad I am. After a couple of months, my friends stopped asking how I was feeling; they hoped I survived it. People don't want to be around me because I'm so miserable and I'd go crazy if anyone else suggested I try online dating."

Throughout the session, Ben was overwhelmed with many emotions: anger, shock, disbelief, pain, sadness and confusion. I simply listened to Ben that day and continued to listen to him in every coaching session for the next four months. I knew that by reliving what happened, it would be easier for Ben to come to terms with what happened and understand that his life would never be the same.

“Loss of health, separation from a loved one, loss of a job or social status are the most difficult things to overcome.”

2. Four months in limbo

I shared my findings with a colleague, and he advised me to wait a little. If we are separated from something that is dear to us, that is part of our identity, we experience grief. This feeling is a natural reaction to such strong changes. Loss of health, separation from a loved one, loss of a job or social status are the most difficult things to cope with.

We also have a hard time when dreams and plans for the future collapse. Everyone has a different reaction to loss, and everyone needs a different amount of time to get through it.

“It’s hard to listen to the same thing day after day. Explain to your friends that when you talk about what happened, it will be easier for you to come to terms with the loss.”

3. One year acceptance

Slowly but surely Ben began to accept what had happened. He wondered why he could not come to terms with the breakup for so long and why it was so hard? I wondered what conclusions he would draw if he re-examined all the losses he experienced?

Ben's parents divorced, and he hasn't seen his father since. The mother never spoke to her son about what was happening. Then, without any warning, the boy was sent to boarding school. The teenager had to learn to hide his emotions and “live with it.” Ben understood why his loved one's departure was so painful. The breakup made Ben remember and feel the pain of all the losses he had experienced, starting with childhood grievances that he never expressed.

At the end of the training, Ben was proud that he found the strength to face me, and not hide from the pain, as he had before. I overcame the childhood habit of keeping my feelings to myself, opened up and became more confident that I could create a new future. He admitted that he feels ready for life with all its ups and downs.

Exercises to help you cope with loss

Ask for some time and attention

Most people don't know what to do or say when someone is suffering. You will help your friends if you ask them for some time and attention.

Ask someone you trust if you can talk to him, tell him about the feelings and thoughts that are overwhelming you now?

Tell your loved ones that they don’t need to look for solutions to your problems, or be sad because you are sad. It’s just that you’re going through a period right now, but it will pass.

Admit that you need a listener. Listening is the best thing your loved ones can give you right now.

Explain to your friends that talking about what happened over and over again makes it easier for you to come to terms with the loss.

Tell your loved ones thank you for simply listening.

Write a letter to yourself

When you feel the time is right, write a letter addressed to someone or something you have lost. But don't send it.

You can write about a lost love or job, about an ex-partner, about the house you used to live in, about a pet, about a health problem - about anything you've ever lost.

In the letter write:

1. All the good and happy memories of the time spent together.

2. What did you value most about them?

3. What could you do better, and what could they do better for you.

4. How do you feel now.

5. How your time together and this experience changed your life.

6. Recognize that you cannot turn back time and change the past.

Save the letter and re-read it from time to time, adding thoughts and memories. This exercise will help you accept the past and let it into the future. Remember, you cannot rush the recovery process. And be kind and patient with yourself.

The trauma of loss and bereavement is much more widespread than it may seem at first glance. For most of us, loss is associated with death. But in life, not everything is so simple. We encounter losses much more often than we might think.

And if you think about it, what is loss (loss)?

Ozhegov’s explanatory dictionary gives the following interpretation:

“Loss is something that is lost, loss, deprivation of something.”

“Loss – loss, damage, harm (mainly about someone’s death; high).”

Following these interpretations, in this article I will use the concept of “loss (loss)” depending on the context.

read also:

Tim, who has lost What and why does it concern us when we lose our loved ones? Why is it so painful, why is it so important for us to die, and why is our suffering so total that you don’t know where to go from there?

Meeting Death Lately I have been thinking a lot about death. For some reason, life confronted me with it very early. The first time this happened was when I was only 5 years old.

So, about losses. The range of losses can be quite wide - from the banal loss of a wallet to the death of a loved one.

For yourself, you can determine the list of losses by selecting from the proposed list what you experienced:

The cat died The apartment was robbed The wallet was stolen Car accident

Hamster died Lost job Loss of health Children left home

Grandma died Friendship ended Partner died

Failed an exam Brother died My sister died Lost my home

Miscarriage The dog died The parents divorced

A friend died Had a nervous breakdown Transferred from my favorite school

Family marriage collapsed Mom died Dad died

Fracture of an arm or legMoving from a place where you spent your childhood

Loss of faith Loss of financial stability

Moving to another country Loss of youth

These are all losses. And to this list you can add what you personally experienced.

Any more or less significant loss for a person must be experienced. Experience is a sequential passage of stages, which I will describe below. If we do not “experience” the loss sequentially, stage by stage, then it remains unexperienced and continues to live in us, manifesting itself in certain situations in some special way. The time it takes to “experience” a loss depends on its significance and can vary from several days to several years. But the stages always remain the same - shock - anger - compromise - depression - adaptation.

A loss is significant for us if we experience strong emotions at the same time. In the event of the loss of a loved one, it is grief. And it is precisely this emotional state that I will talk about.

How to cope with the loss of a loved one? How to cope with grief? How to survive it correctly in order to return to a full life.

The experience of loss must go through several stages (stages). Why do I write MUST pass? The stages described below are the “normal” experience of loss. The way it should be experienced to maintain mental and physical health. A disruption in the course of the experience of loss is accompanied by “stuckness” at some stage. In this case, a person’s mental activity is disrupted, which, of course, affects his entire subsequent life.

So, about the stages.

First stage – Shock and denial. When a person learns of a loss. This state is accompanied by numbness, numbness, protest, a feeling of the unreality of what is happening - “This cannot be!” It is associated with sadness and despondency. This state has a very low energetic vibration. It is “normal” for a person to be in this state for no more than two weeks after the death of a loved one. If a person gets stuck at this stage, then he chooses a life filled with constant regrets and depression.

How to help a person cope with a state of acute grief?

During this period, it is very important to be close to the person so that he does not feel emptiness and loneliness so acutely. Just be there. In most cases this is enough. Words of comfort may not always be appropriate because they can devalue the significance of a person's loss.

"All the will of God"

"I know your feelings"

“Thank God you still have children”

"He lived a good life"

"I'm really sorry"

"You must be strong for your children"

"Time cures"

If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. But it would be appropriate to offer some kind of help (offer water, sit down somewhere, etc.). If a person wants to speak out, then this should be encouraged. When a person feels the need to speak out, this indicates that he is emerging from a state of apathy. As soon as a person starts crying or screaming, we understand that the person is getting better. As soon as tears appear, he begins to eat again.

Second stage - Anger. As a rule, anger arises against a background of fear. The person “comes to his senses” and faces reality. Feelings of anger may be accompanied by accusations against oneself, other people or circumstances. A person suffers from the fact that everything could have turned out differently “if not for...”. In any case, fear and anger are more energetic emotional states than acute grief and apathy. A person's vital energy increases. Fear of danger motivates a person to activity. This condition can normally last for a month after the loss.

Next, third, stage of experiencing loss – Compromise. The person gradually begins to accept the fact of what happened. During this period, he often mentally returns to the past, to where a loved one was still nearby. At times it seems to him that death never happened, and that his loved one is about to appear nearby. This is the stage when a person rushes between the awareness of the death of a loved one and the unwillingness to believe it. Completing this stage is a compromise between “I refuse to believe it” and accepting the death of a loved one as a reality of life.

Stage four – Depression. The name of this stage is arbitrary. This does not mean that a person necessarily becomes depressed. This stage is characterized by the person finally accepting the fact of loss. He accepted it. The inevitability of what happened plunges a person into a state of sadness. This is a necessary step! A person must “grieve”, “get over” the loss. This state should lead to calm and complete acceptance of what happened. The “normal” duration of this stage is 8-9 months from the moment of loss of a loved one.

The final stage of experiencing loss is Adaptation. The person returns to his usual way of life. Memories of a loved one become less and less painful. A person comes to the final acceptance of loss and understands that life does not end, one can and should live fully even without a loved one. Full adaptation occurs approximately within a year or two from the moment of death of a loved one. During the first year of life, many things still remind you of your loved one. Favorite holidays are celebrated without him - the first birthday without him; first New Year without him. These are all the difficult moments in the first year of life without a loved one. When a year passes, then on the second, all these moments have already been experienced and become less painful.

Describing such a difficult topic as the loss of a loved one, I, first of all, wanted to convey that the life of any person is a change of losses and gains. Where we lose, we always find something new. We cannot bring a loved one back to life, but we gain inner strength, new experience, a new understanding of life, a new attitude towards life. And, of course, new love can always appear in our heart, for another person. Life can acquire new content, different content, greater meaning. We become different. And it depends only on us, how much we allow ourselves these changes.

The loss of a loved one is, unfortunately, something that each of us has experienced or will experience. Or perhaps you are experiencing this right now. Coping with loss is one of the most difficult challenges in life. But this is an experience that will affect everyone sooner or later. The loss of a loved one is accompanied by several stages, which are very important to survive without harm. How to cope with grief?

1. Denial.

Feeling of shock as soon as you hear the news of death. Thought: “Is this a joke? If so, stop it now.” In addition, the very idea that you will no longer see someone so dear to you seems unrealistic. You can't believe this is happening to you. Death is usually somewhere out there, far away. In someone else's life. In news and crime reports. But that's it. To be with you. It is not true!

2. Anger.

The news of death was too unexpected for you. So, you realize that you will never be able to do everything you wanted for this person. You are angry. Be angry at the doctors, perhaps at the person who is to blame for your loss, at yourself, at the whole world. You are angry that you were not given at least another minute to say the most important words to your loved one. To thank you for everything.

3. Depression and bargaining.

It is simply impossible not to feel a hole inside after a loss. And for some period, the loss of a loved one becomes an emptiness that consumes you. You can't eat normally. You don't want to go outside because it seems like every person passing by reminds you of the deceased, as if you could call out to them right now and everything would be fine again. And all this time it was just a dream. Too terrible. Red eyes from lack of sleep and periodic tantrums have become an integral part of your appearance. Thoughts that start with “If only I...” are constantly running through your head. You bargain with yourself, with fate, living in the subjunctive mood.

4. Acceptance.

In the end, you realize that this is not a joke or a prank, and that a loved one is really gone. The pain hasn't gone away. So are daily obligations. Therefore, you need to pull yourself together and continue to live. At least try. Remember that this person helped you become who you are today. You have to do the right thing to make him proud of you. So that those that a loved one may have taught you do not pass without a trace.

The loss of a loved one is the collapse of one small world. However, everyone heals sooner or later. But when you're just at the bottom of your grief, it's too hard to believe. There are several ways to get through this:

1) Give free rein to your feelings.

Keeping everything to yourself is never the right decision. If you do not release this pain, then over time it will roll into a huge ball and simply crush you. It will press you straight to the asphalt and it will be too difficult to get up. So if you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, go to a place where you can scream to your heart's content. It helps.

2) Speak.

3) Things to do.

The loss of a loved one, shock, grief - all this throws you out of your usual rut. But it is very important not to neglect your daily activities. Going to work, cleaning the house, and even just doing something will distract you from sad thoughts. This will make it easier. This way you will begin to get back on track, and time will heal and take away your pain.

Experiencing the loss of someone or what you love is one of life's greatest challenges. Often the pain of loss can be crushing. You may experience all sorts of unpleasant and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to denial, guilt and deep sadness. Grief can also undermine your physical health, impair your sleep, reduce your appetite, or even affect your ability to think clearly. These are normal reactions to the loss of something or someone very significant to you. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with pain that will, over time, dispel sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning in life, and move on with your life. In this article we will tell you how grief can manifest itself and how to cope with grief, as well as when grief becomes a pathological condition in which it is necessary to seek qualified help.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. This is the emotional suffering you experience when someone you love passes away, or when something that is important to you is taken away from you. The greater the loss, the greater the grief. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one, which is often the cause of the most intense suffering, but any loss can cause grief, including:

• death of a pet
• retirement
• sale of family nest
• job loss
• deprivation of financial stability
• the slipping away of a cherished dream
• loss of friendship
• poor health
• serious injury
• serious illness of a loved one
• miscarriage or loss of a baby due to an ectopic pregnancy
• divorce or breakup

Even minor losses in life sometimes cause feelings of sadness. For example, you may feel sad after moving away from home, graduating from an educational institution, or changing jobs. Reasons for grief are subjective. Just because they aren't taken seriously by other people doesn't mean you should be ashamed of your feelings or think it's only appropriate to grieve for certain reasons. If the person, animal, relationship or situation was meaningful to you, it is completely normal to grieve your loss.

The grieving process

Grief is a very individual experience. How you process grief depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, life experiences, religion, and the significance of the loss to you.

Of course, the grieving process takes time. Healing occurs gradually and cannot be forced or forced, nor is there a “normal” time frame for grief. Some people begin to feel better after a few weeks or months. For others, this process is measured in years. Whatever your experience of grief, it is important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.

Myths and facts about grief

1. Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it. Fact : Trying to ignore pain or prevent its outward manifestations will only worsen your condition in the long term. To truly heal, you need to face your grief and actively deal with it.
2. Myth: It is important to be strong in the face of loss. Fact : Feeling sad, scared, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Tears do not mean that you are weak. You don't need to "protect" your family or friends by wearing a mask of equanimity. Showing your sincere feelings will help both you and your loved ones.
3. Myth: If you don't cry, it means you don't regret the loss. Fact : Crying is a normal response to loss, but it is not the only one. Those who don't cry can feel pain just as deeply as other people. They just show their feelings differently.
4. Myth: The tribulation should last about a year. Fact : There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes depends on the person.
5. Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about the loss. Fact : Moving forward in life means you have accepted your loss, but it is not the same as forgetting. You can move on and keep the memory of someone or something as an important part of yourself that you lost. In fact, as life goes on, these memories can become more and more integral to a person's self-definition.