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Breakup advice. How to survive separation from a loved one: advice from a psychologist

Love is one of the most exciting, rewarding and enjoyable human experiences. Whether it is the love of relatives, friends, children or romantic love, it is still a common human adventure. It is possible to climb to the very top of love, but the falls can be much more painful, especially when it comes time to let go of a loved one. Whether it's the moment you have to let go because it's time to move on, or it's time to move on to another relationship, pain is inevitable. You have to go through the sadness of what was lost, but time heals everything. Be aware of your emotional boundaries, but don't isolate yourself to allow someone to come and heal your loss.

Steps

Sorrow

Embrace the Five Stages of Grief. These stages can rather be characterized as cycles. Perhaps some of the stages will pass you by, and some may absorb you. At the same time, it is likely that you will go through these stages more than once. It's about the following:

Denial and isolation. This stage includes the denial of reality. This is a natural reaction when suppressing the pain caused by the pain of loss.
Anger. This stage occurs after you become aware of your rejection. Anger can be directed at inanimate objects, strangers, family or friends. You may be angry at the person who died or moved away, but then feel guilty for being angry.
Bargain. At this point, you may feel like it's time to take back control of your life and move out of helplessness. You may worry that you should have been a better person than you are, or that you should have been helped, and so on.
Depression. This stage will bring only sadness and regret that comes with the realization that a loved one has really gone. You may feel depressed, cry, and so on.
Adoption. This stage can be described as the achievement of a state of calm and humility. Some people never get to that stage of grief.

Admit your grief. Those relationships are basically dead. So, it's okay to feel like the most important person in your life has died. You have the right to feel the loss. Let the waves of sorrow wash over you, but not so much that they swallow you up. Don't fight them. Take it for granted that these are just waves of emotions that will pierce you with current for some time, while you will become easier and easier. Grief is part of the cure.
- Even if no one in your life knows how you feel, you can still admit your pain only to yourself. When you're feeling down, take a moment and say to yourself, “I'm sad, and that's okay. It makes it better."
ADVICE OF THE SPECIALIST

Family psychotherapist

Family psychotherapist

Pain is a sign that your feelings were true. Alvina Louie, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says, “Who would really want to be in a relationship so meaningless and superficial that it wouldn't even cause the pain of loss when it ended? This is absurd, and people with this type of thinking are driven by the desire to avoid pain.”

Seek professional help if necessary. If you're worried that your pain is turning into something unhealthy, or that you're feeling depressed, seek professional help. A therapist can help you come to terms with your loss and determine if you have depression.
- For more information, read our article How to Get Rid of Depression.
- Talking to a therapist can be helpful even if you don't have depression. A therapist can help you understand how to cope with the pain of loss.
trust the time
1. Promise yourself not to rush. The old saying goes: time heals all wounds, and it's true. However, healing is directly related to being aware of your emotions and being able to give yourself time. We want to get over this as quickly as possible, but in the end, a quick cure is powerless where love has been. Take the time to heal and don't rush.
  
  ADVICE OF THE SPECIALIST
  
  Family psychotherapist
  Alvina Lui is a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her MA in Psychotherapy from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been a Certified Family Therapist for over 7 years.
  
  Family psychotherapist
  
  The pain of loss does not go away overnight. Marriage and family therapist Alvina Lui adds: “Are you in a hurry to forget everything because you feel weak? Abnormal or even obsessive? People who know how to love deeply are more courageous than those who close themselves off from such feelings. They are cowards, obsessed with the fear of pain, they miss a lot. When you open your heart and love, losing a partner is always painful. That's what makes love so beautiful."
  
  Live for today. Conquer the pinnacle of time in small steps. You can pause all your long-term goals. Today, devote yourself to what needs to be done only today.
  
  Celebrate small victories. You may still be in pain, but soon you will feel that it subsides. And this will be a serious step towards healing. Further it will only get better.
  
  Allow yourself to think of something positive. Find a balance between allowing yourself to grieve and experiencing joy. When the wave of sadness passes, give yourself a moment (maybe just one moment) to hear your feelings. Then direct your thoughts to something more positive.
  - FYI - laughing when you're sad is perfectly normal. This is how emotions are re-evaluated. Believe it or not, your emotions do exactly what they're supposed to. However, sometimes this process drags on and turns into depression, in which case professional help is indispensable.
Relationship memories
1. Assess your feelings soberly. Once the initial pain of loss has passed, look back at the relationships you had. Start by realizing what happened. If you lost love due to death and are trying to move on, you may find that you idealized your relationship with your loved one. Look back, and maybe you will see that everything was not as perfect as it seemed to you during the period when you were together. Memories of imperfect moments will not tarnish the memory of a person. On the contrary, you will remember a real and real person. If there was love between you, part of what made your love so special was the moments you spent together and how you bridged the differences between you.
  - Don't put a dead person on a pedestal. Uplifting your partner won't make you love him more and you won't be able to move on, which is definitely not what he wants you to be.
  - This also applies to the case if the loss is relative, that is, the person has not died. Your relationship wasn't perfect. Otherwise, you wouldn't be trying to move on. Even if the decision to leave was not made by you, but by the partner, this still indicates weakness in the relationship, and this is normal.
2. Be honest about the quality of your relationship. Your relationship, like most, has likely been full of ups and downs. If you didn't initiate the breakup, you may feel like you're idealizing your other half. Looking back and remembering the good times is normal. But it's important to be realistic. Surely in your relationship there were not the best of times.
  - Appreciate the positive aspects of the relationship and how the other person made you who you are today.
3. Become aware of the aspects that may have depressed you. It is important to acknowledge what brought out the worst in you. This does not mean that the other person was bad. But perhaps this way you can understand that not everything was so smooth in your relationship.
  - Once you've identified the toxic elements of your relationship, you'll appreciate your chance to "cleanse." This will give you the opportunity to work on yourself and learn how to avoid the same mistakes in future relationships. This will help you put your thoughts in order and calmly move on.
4. Don't dwell on the bad moments. It is important to be honest with the past relationship and the other person in order to let it go and move on. But it's also important to avoid slandering the other person, even if they treated you badly. Focusing on the past is dangerous.
  - If you allow yourself to think about negative things or fixate on the bad things, the emotional connection with that person can strengthen, and then it will be more difficult to let go of him. In fact, your love can turn into resentment. It won't free your heart from that person. It will only save him from your kindness. You deserve to be completely free, so be careful about giving him even a small corner of your heart, even if only for resentment.
Connect with other people
1. Build relationships with your inner circle. Isolation is normal for a short period of time. But the main thing is not to move away from the immediate environment for a longer period. They love you and need to make sure you're okay. They know you better than even you sometimes know yourself. They can help you bring back your best qualities.
  - These people know how to keep quiet with you and know when to push you and have fun. They know how to make you laugh and they can lend a hand when you need to cry. You do not have to trust everyone, but open up to those closest to you.
  - They will also help you deal with feelings if they develop into depression and you need professional help.
2. Set boundaries in conversation. Your friends and family may bring up the topic of that person without understanding what you are trying to fight. Letting your friends know that you want to change the subject is perfectly fine. Just be honest and let them know that you still need time. Be specific about what hurts you and what you would like to avoid for a while.
  
  Set communication boundaries. It is important to feel your pain threshold and protect yourself. You may agree to remain friends with a former passion, but friendly calls are very painful. Be honest about how you feel. You need to step back for a while until your wounds heal.
  
  Accept invitations from friends. Chances are, you have colleagues, classmates, or even friends and family members who just aren't among the closest. Perhaps they are not among those with whom you are ready to share the innermost, but they all also play a role in your life. A colleague invited you to dinner? Do not refuse, let him be carefree and friendly, get distracted from worldly worries with him.
  - Such support usually takes place within established limits. Try to avoid personal conversations and talk superficially in a fun way. And yes, your friend is unlikely to like it if you start posting all your experiences during a 30-minute lunch break.
3. Let new people into your life. This is not a replacement for a departed person. Rather move forward. As you notice your pain becoming less and less noticeable, you will find yourself thinking less about the person who has left your life. It's time to open up to new people. New acquaintances are always interesting.
  - You are under no circumstances, under any obligation, obligated to date in order to move on. Probably even the thought of it scares you at the moment. So let's stop for a minute and think about this. Instead of diving headlong into new relationships, try making new friends. Friendship can develop in the most amazing ways. Sometimes friendship develops into something more and goes to the stage of a romantic relationship. Meet new people, build relationships, and who knows, maybe soon a friend will become your new partner.
Expressing yourself
1. Don't gloss over emotions. Sometimes emotions overwhelm and lead to the fact that a person falls silent. Don't be silent about what's bothering you. Discuss your concerns with a family member, friend, therapist, or clergyman.
  - Sharing something personal can be tricky. In this case, you can contact a psychotherapist or spiritual mentor. Sometimes what we feel is hard to decipher. In this case, an outsider can help you by objectively assessing the situation and asking the right questions to unravel your thoughts without giving their own opinion.
  - It is important to just start talking, and not get hung up on your thoughts. Until thoughts take the form of words, it is not possible to support or correct them.
2. Write a letter to that person. Write a letter to your loved one. Then throw it away to prove to yourself that you are letting it go. For some people, this helps to experience a catharsis that marks the end of everything. Think about what might help you let go of that person. The writing method is more suitable for those who have been abandoned.
  - You may prefer to write a message on a balloon and release it into the sky.
  - Another option would be to launch sky lanterns with words of love. Release them for the one you loved.
3. Change for yourself. Changing even the smallest part of your life will help you freshen it up and remind you that life is still interesting. Rearrange the furniture. Get a new haircut. Get to work in different ways. Eat dessert first. Whatever you change in your life, no matter how small it is, you will enjoy it. Yes, it may only lift your spirits for a little while, but it's all it takes to remind yourself that you can still smile and enjoy. life.
Keep on living

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a truer understanding of love. It was the separation that helped a huge number of people to become adults, loving and happy people.

The theme of parting in full. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the operation of the Perezhit.ru website. This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but will help you structure and better understand the material.

1. Put an end

If the separation has occurred, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person is gone, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relations that were.

Stories are different. Unfortunately, there are separations in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that it is necessary to put an end to it, I do not say: shut the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with a breakup means letting go of a person. Recognize his right to such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time both of you will change, and a meeting of new you may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now couldn't be together. The path you were on has come to this point. And at this point it ended. The person you are now must recognize and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, recognize his right to be free. Release and bless him.

Say to yourself, addressing this person: “I let you go! Bless you!"

The cessation of attempts to return a person, the cessation of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for the successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months and years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further - the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: “When you leave, leave!”

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one you cling to, but quite the contrary.

2. Overcome intrusive thoughts

In most crises, we suffer not from the situation itself, but from false obsessive thoughts about it. "You won't find someone as good as her." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It's impossible to love someone like you." “I won’t love anyone like that again” (this is usually for girls aged 15-18), “There is no need to live anymore.” These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% are from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to recognize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deceit, is trying to plunge us into despair and almost kill us from the world. These thoughts are not generated by you! They have come from outside to harm you. To accept a thought or not to accept is in our power. If we accept it and begin to “chew it”, then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do psychologists of women's and popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity that will help you take your mind off heavy thoughts. This is as “wise” as advising a front line soldier to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face, and do something else. Like, you can't see him, so he's gone.

And what about the fact that just at that moment he will put a bullet in your back?

My advice is unequivocal - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real opportunity to deal with this enemy. A thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover can protect. Thought can only be defeated by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some hope, with the help of a discussion with thoughts that overcome them, to analyze something, to judge, to make some kind of decision. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and right decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by combating obsessive thoughts.

The only way to overcome false thoughts is to oppose them with true, kind thoughts, clothed in the power of prayer.

To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly control what kind of thought torments you. That's what I call looking the enemy in the face.

Second, to oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is opposite to the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to “deal with” most of the obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, grumbling or fear.

Typical thoughts are: “I won’t love anyone else”, “I won’t feel so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, now live?”. Our worst enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thy will for everything. Let it be as You please!”

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-randomness of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, Who wishes us all the best, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our lives and our souls. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still love someone, and with a more perfect love.

If you are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He is the best, you won’t meet such a person again”, “I can’t live without her!”, “How would I return him”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that!”, “I hate her, the vile one, for taking him away! How can I get revenge on her?"

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: “Lord, bless this person!”. We invest in this prayer the desire for good to a person.

The psychological explanation is this. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an insult to a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom, tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire that misfortunes befell him for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And so, when we oppose a good thought to these evil thoughts, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we admit that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that evil is their goal. And as a result of such prayer, not just good is obtained, but double good: both you benefit from prayer, and the person for whom you pray. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they move away from you. Verified by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts addressed to yourself.

False thoughts: “It’s impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser”, “You are to blame for everything, if only you hadn’t made that mistake!”

Prayer: Praise God for everything! If they are really guilty of something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Penitential prayers: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!” are pronounced without strain, in an even, impassive tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: “Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!”. This will only cause harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and every minute it is easier for him.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers must be even, no matter what storm rages within us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you pray. Remember that God does not owe you anything. He is not to blame for the fact that you are now ill. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depths of which there is an offense against God or an impudent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, disenfranchised petitioner. You are not addressing an indifferent official, but a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that you are being heard, that you can be helped and will certainly be helped. God is omnipotent, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Thirdly, it is desirable to know as well as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is a "higher intelligence." But under the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satan. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - this is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean presenting God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray for exactly as long as the attack on you by obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy is firing at you from all sides. You fire three shots at the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In desperation, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing exactly what thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to my prayer like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore, do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are positions of resentment towards the other person or blaming oneself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be guilty of something before us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

First, we do not know exactly why it happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two can be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism on a material level), and the other is hidden (consumerism on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has their own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, as shackles bind two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but also yourself. And each of you takes with you your piece of the chain - your share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: “I forgive you!” This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and fully responsible for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the weapon of prayer described above: “God bless him!”

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deceit, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am no good”, “I am not worthy of love”, etc.

The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility on yourself, refraining from self-justification. Ask for forgiveness from a person - really or mentally. Ask forgiveness from God. Work on fixing yourself to become a different person who won't do it again.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is cured by prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

There is a common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated for our needs and abilities, to grow, to take a step towards personal perfection and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. As we grow up, we become happier.

But growth does not automatically follow trial. As stated earlier, a test is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, we have not grown up. And you have to grow. So the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must first of all humble yourself. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed “Glory to Thee, Lord!” This was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, we will not be so upset during the next trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any trial.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love was there, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Secondly, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent these goals are worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Thirdly, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person approached for each other and for this purpose? Could this goal be achieved with this person? And did you know him enough to allow the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And what kind of person can achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or an addict? What harmful and useful habits did you take away from your parental family and from the relationships that preceded these relationships?

Fourthly, if both the goal was worthy and the people worthy of the goal, what mistakes were allowed by you in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get better results?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes that you need to repent. Your shortcomings that should be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this sheet into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, cultivating love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case beneficial. Physical training, coupled with overcoming “I can’t do it anymore”, not only makes our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthens the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put before yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, the cultivation of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year, similar to love ones - even chaste ones. Because otherwise the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on yourself, it can become overpriced. Both that, and another, hinders soberly to estimate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously look for a replacement for a partner who has left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

Therefore, do not go in cycles in the topic of love relationships! Do not worry about the fact that you have nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day because of illness, he will make a mistake with the door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge circle of friends you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has one field of activity left - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task of life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman who lives a dignified life after a divorce in celibacy.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state “I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me” feel more comfortable than in the state: “I was born for happiness, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not to be.” This is due to infantilism (childishness), the inability to overcome some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he was ill, feel sorry for himself and accept the sympathy of others, so here he lies down in the bed of self-pity. Finally, it seems like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in this state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay for many years. But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adult, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, we need other people, and ourselves. We need not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, able to support and delight others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, need us strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will create a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He has given us many abilities that it's time to use.

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Steps

move away

Stop talking to the guy. Tell him clearly that you don't want to continue the relationship anymore, and don't drag out the breakup for too long.

If you did not decide to end the relationship, try to immediately clarify the situation.
- Don't use vague phrases like "we can't seem to get it right" or "I don't think this is what I want right now."
- Speak directly. If you are asked to answer, any phrase that leaves no room for doubt, such as "it's all over," will do.

Try not to cross paths with your ex-boyfriend. You may have common friends, interests, you may be colleagues or classmates. Change your schedule whenever possible, ask your friends to let you know about your ex-boyfriend's plans, and update your social media pages with the places you're going to go and the activities you intend to attend.
- Take care of your social media pages. Change your status, remove your ex as a friend, remove all photos of you together, and remove tags from photos posted by your mutual friends.
  - If your friends are on your side, ask them to unfriend your ex as well.
  - If your friends want to keep in touch with him, do not go to their pages so as not to see photos or posts left by your ex-boyfriend.
- Change your schedule. You will need to go to work or school anyway, even if your boyfriend is there too, so you need to learn how to go wherever you need to and not worry about meeting you-know-who. Think about how you can adjust your current schedule.
  - If you're studying with your ex, be the last to enter the classroom moments before the bell rings. This way you avoid unnecessary conversations.
  - If you have to work together, bring coffee in a thermos and snack at work so you don't run into an ex-boyfriend in the kitchen. If you have to walk past your ex-boyfriend's desk to get to the restroom, try to find out if other restrooms in the building are available. If you don't want to meet him at the copier, ask a colleague to make copies for you, or save this task for the end of the day.
  - If you both go to the same bar, shop, gym, or any other place, try to go there on different days or a little earlier or later than usual.
Get your head on something else. Lack of meetings and conversations will not help you if inside you are still reliving all the good and bad moments of the relationship over again. Keep yourself occupied with something new to take your mind off the memories.

Reach out to your spiritual side. Whatever you choose, turning to any spiritual practice will allow you to find peace after a breakup.

Consult a psychologist if you find it difficult to cope with your condition on your own. In women who have not managed to survive the gap for 16 months, brain activity decreases in the centers responsible for emotions, motivation and attention. In other words, with prolonged depression, the structure of the brain changes, which explains the inability to concentrate and gather. Do not let yourself suffer for a long time, seek help.

Move on

Spend time with friends. Friends will always be by your side, no matter what happens in your personal life, and now is the best time to give them more attention. Invite them to dinner, go to a club or the mall with them. Spend more time together!

Make a playlist that would charge you with a good mood. Music stimulates the human brain to produce dopamine, a substance responsible for a good mood. Choose songs that make you smile, dance and have fun.

Get a pet. It's no secret why it's so good to have a cat or dog at home. A four-legged friend will help you cope with loneliness, pain, depression, make you move more and be in good shape.
- Walking your dog is a great way not only to stretch, but also to meet new people. Dating other pet owners like you will expand your social circle and allow you to find like-minded people.
- Animals give unconditional love. You won't strive so hard and persistently to receive endless love and devotion from every young person with whom you might have a relationship if you already have someone who will always be devoted to you.
Get yourself in shape. If you've been dropping out or if you haven't had the energy or desire to sign up for a gym, now is the time to fix it. Physical activity, like music, causes the body to produce dopamine, so not only will you look better - you will also feel better.
- Sports normalize sleep, fill you with strength and improve self-esteem, that is, restore those areas that could have suffered after a break.
- If after a breakup you tried to numb the pain with food, you could gain a couple of pounds. Sports will help you get rid of them.
Spend more time on your appearance. It is not necessary to completely change your wardrobe, hairstyle and makeup (although this never hurts) - any concern for appearance will definitely bear fruit: you will feel better and be more attractive to the opposite sex.
- Browse fashion magazines and websites for new ideas for yourself. You're not the only one who wants to change something in your image after a breakup - you will find many photos of celebrities illustrating their appearance before and after a breakup with someone.
- You can change quite a bit: make light coloring or change the color of lip gloss. Something new in appearance will support your new outlook on life.
Don't give up on new opportunities. You may not yet be ready to start a new relationship, but this does not mean that you should completely refuse to communicate with men. Keep an eye on nice guys, get out somewhere where you can flirt.
- If you like someone, make eye contact with them and smile. You will not owe anything to anyone if you do not refuse a conversation or an invitation to a cup of coffee.
- If you start dating someone you like, don't tell them about past relationships or complain about your ex. Your new acquaintance will not be ready to immediately hear a story about your past, especially if this story is saturated with negativity. Do not say bad things about an ex-boyfriend - this will alienate a new man.

The best way to get over an ex boyfriend is to find a new one. Go somewhere where you can dance, meet someone, take your mind off things. And every time you see your ex-boyfriend, think only about the good that he brought to your life.

Warnings

Don't tell everyone you meet about your personal life. Don't leave sad messages on your social media pages, but don't trumpet the whole world that you're happy, in which case your ex-boyfriend may decide that this relationship never meant anything to you, and it will hurt him. Just don't post anything related to it anywhere.

According to which the initiator of the gap keeps only a third of bitterness and disappointment, while the other two-thirds go to the “abandoned side”. However, when relationships are cracking at the seams, we usually have no time for arithmetic: parting, even if it happened at your will, is either difficult or very difficult - there is no third way. Nevertheless, a clear plan and recommendations from psychologists will help you not to fall into a deep depression and survive parting with your loved one with minimal mental loss.

Step 1. Allow yourself to suffer

Yes exactly. The advice to "go to work", "distract" and "forget about this idiot" will not help you now - any relationship needs to be mourned. You will not demand instant recovery from a flu patient, will you? So let yourself “get sick” to your heart’s content: lock yourself at home alone with a chocolate cake, mourn under Adele’s tearful ballads, cry on your friend’s shoulder. In order for the pain to subside, it must first be accepted and felt. With one important condition: set a strict deadline, after which Adele's album will be replaced by something more cheerful, and you will move from tears and reflection to action.

Step 2: End the relationship

A difficult farewell took place, the i's are dotted, you have gone to different apartments - and yet you are still connected by many threads that remind you of your previous relationship and permanently drive you into depression. American psychologist Rachel Sussman, in her book on how to survive a breakup with a loved one, advises to ruthlessly get rid of all such “anchors”: delete SMS messages, unsubscribe from updates on social networks, and even buy new bedding. And supporters of the esoteric approach strongly advise, firstly, to burn "artifacts" (there are real cases when girls burned wedding dresses - they say it helps), and secondly, to return his gifts to the former lover, or at least sell or distribute them.

Step 3: Blacklist it

Even if you are forced to communicate with a former lover, try to completely stop all contact with him for a while. Including mail and sms. As the same Rachel Sussman states in her book “The Breakup Bible”, the optimal period will be a month - after this time you will develop “emotional immunity” and it will be much easier to communicate with an ex-boyfriend.

Step 4: Ask for help

Not necessarily a professional psychologist - although it would be very useful to contact one. Arrange a manicure evening with your friends, order pizza, watch a couple of funny films, go to karaoke together or even, like Carrie Bradshaw after her failed wedding, go on a trip - taking your friends, of course. Finally, a support group can be found without leaving home, among complete strangers: for example, a real girl from the USA named Katherine, who canceled her own wedding, created a whole blog on how to survive a breakup and called it SimplySolo. The site became incredibly popular and became not only an outlet for Katherine, but also.

Step 5. Be irresistible

In a joke that the worse things are for a girl, the better she should look, as usual, is only part of the joke. Still, it’s more pleasant to be sad with impeccable styling, fashionable makeup and (obviously!) in new shoes. And, of course, do not forget the rule: in any incomprehensible (read: unpleasant) situation, go ... to the gym. A good portion of endorphins will definitely not hurt you now.

Step 6. Find sources of joy

Bake a cake according to a new recipe, learn to weave braids, rearrange the furniture in the room - pleasant emotions can be found even in small things. It will be even better if you have the opportunity to please someone else: to sit with a friend's child, help a friend with repairs, and finally, bring a bag of groceries for an elderly neighbor. Even small good deeds will allow you to distract and cheer up.

Step 7. Review plans and goals

When there are two of us, we make joint plans, choose common guidelines and make numerous compromises. Now that the second variable has disappeared from the equation, it's time to revise it. The heroine of the sensational “Eat. Pray. Love” has changed three countries in search of a real self - an option, of course, is costly, but you can start small. Have you dreamed of visiting Norway for a long time, but put off this idea for later, since your lover did not recognize any other vacation than a beach one? Or did you hesitate to change your profession because your boyfriend convinced you that banking was your calling? Having decided to go beyond the usual framework, you will be surprised to find that parting brings with it not only bitterness, but also freedom - and it is up to you to decide how to dispose of it.

Each of us at least once heard painfully cruel words - "let's part." Yesterday, a dearly beloved, such a close person was happy with you, but today he decided to leave, destroying all plans and faith in a joint future. Despair, resentment, indescribable pain settle in the soul, gradually destroying it. Ahead of sleepless nights, inconsolable tears and the only question: "How to survive this moment, what to do next?".

It is possible to cope with the current situation, it is enough to make a little effort and finally come to terms with the fact that a loved one is no longer around. Almost all psychologists advise letting go of the departed, finding positive moments in parting. It's not as difficult as it might seem. Life is not over, it is just beginning, there are many more pleasant meetings and good impressions ahead of you.

Why is it so hard to get over a breakup?

When a loved one leaves you, you get a severe emotional trauma that is not easy to survive. Psychologists claim that the main reasons for such a reaction are:

True love - it is this feeling that inflicts the greatest wound, because a person completely surrenders to wonderful sensations, not even suspecting that the chosen one can do this. It will take a long time to come to terms with the loss, maybe even several years.
Strong attachment to each other - for many years together leave an imprint in the memory. It is extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that everything is over and the moments experienced will never happen again.
Fear of being alone - an abandoned person is very worried about this, his self-esteem deteriorates sharply. After parting, unhappy thoughts appear: “Suddenly, I will never be happy again and will be alone forever.” Such thoughts interfere with surviving the current situation, oppress and overtake a strong melancholy.
The desire to suffer - a person forces himself to experience various situations, listens to sad music, constantly remembering the joyful, happy days spent together. These thoughts return us to the past, which will never happen again. Such a state prevents recovery, depresses, causes severe harm to the psyche.

Experts are convinced that the departed is much easier to endure parting. This is due to his own initiative and deliberation of the decision. That is, for him this is a serious step, which he himself decided to take, weighed all the pros and cons.

Anger, resentment and anger are caused by the realization of the fact that the once loved one did not want to be there and continue the relationship. It is this moment that is very touching, delivering maximum suffering. Usually a man is calm and restrained, controls himself, does not show his emotions. He had long gone through the pain of parting when he decided for himself that he needed to end the relationship.

A woman is more emotional, she is inclined to create a family where harmony, comfort and mutual understanding reign. She puts her husband and children in the first place, their well-being, home comfort, and not her own happiness. If a woman is deprived of this opportunity, misunderstanding and feelings of guilt arise - “What did I do wrong, why did this happen to me?”

Experiments are more important for a man, he is always ready for changes and new relationships, so he most often leaves the family. He ponders his decision for years and at one point is ready to cross out everything. Even if the other half tries to soften the blow, there will be no less suffering.

There are times when a couple mutually decided to leave. Both people noticed that feelings have cooled, they have exhausted themselves. This situation obliges them to disperse, because people are unhappy together, so it’s time for them to look for new ways separately. If after a while love does not return, then the relationship should not be continued.

Negative emotions last about six months. The spiritual wound gradually heals and only occasionally makes itself felt. Soon, the abandoned person himself wonders why he was so worried, what was special about the relationship? A completely different story when it comes to a couple who has lived for more than 10 years. They are connected by mutual friends, children, relatives.

Former spouses in the first year do not even think about starting a new relationship. It seems to them that there will be no more happiness, and after a couple of years they realize how insignificant the problem was. Life goes on, the birds sing, the grass turns green, there is no more reason to suffer. This turning point is the first step into a new life. Women begin to notice the opposite sex, sympathy appears, and the pain of separation is dulled. At the sight of the former, there is no longer a feeling of resentment, the wound has almost healed.

To make it easier to survive the breakup, experts recommend a sober assessment of the situation, accepting it as it is. It is enough to let go of the past, expel the negative and find positive moments in separation.

Breaking up protects you from false feelings. No one needs a relationship that has been exhausted for a long time. Indifference on the part of the chosen one will bring even more suffering. Now you know people better and understand life. It is necessary to treat the problem as another test that fate presented. If this happened, then you are on the right track and happiness will soon overtake you.

Separation is easier to survive if you follow these tips:

Let go of the past - if a person decided so, he had reasons for that. Understand that the beloved must be allowed to go. Yes, it will be painful, difficult, insulting, but it is important to get any thoughts about the past out of your head, forbid yourself to even remember that time. It's not easy, but it's possible;
Rid yourself of negativity - this feeling is bad for health in general. You need to forget about resentment, pain, hatred that burns from the inside, Throw away all thoughts about the person who trampled your soul and heart. Memories only harm, cause new tears and a wave of disappointment;
Convince yourself that happiness is “just around the corner” - you can’t lie in bed and shed tears, you need to understand that a breakup is the end of a relationship, but also the beginning of something new. It is important to believe that you can still be loved. Enjoy simple things, believe in miracles;
Communicate - do not avoid acquaintances, walk with friends, go to visit relatives. Communication and support of loved ones helps to cope with any grief. Tell them about your feelings, share your experiences, open your soul, and relief will surely come.

It all depends on you, draw conclusions and continue to live.

How to recover after a breakup if the relationship was long

A marriage that lasts for many years most often breaks up due to betrayal, cooled feelings or mutual misunderstanding. It is very difficult to survive such stress, because in addition to love, there is also attachment, a habit. Our subconscious refuses to accept the situation. On a psychological level, we cannot imagine life without a loved one.

But, this is exactly what needs to be done - to accept, to cast aside all illusions, to learn to live independently. It is not necessary to completely forget a person, it is enough to let him go and accept the gap as a given. To make it easier to accept a breakup, refer to proven methods:

Change your appearance. As psychologists say, a cardinal reincarnation helps to recover. You can change your wardrobe, hair color, haircut, throw away all the old things and buy new ones. Go to the salon, any girl feels calm and at ease there.
Get a pet. An affectionate cat or a playful dog cheer up, eliminating the feeling of loneliness. You will know that someone is waiting for you at home, and your pet is always glad to see you back.
Go in for sports. Regular exercise or a morning run returns strength, energy and good spirits. If you keep yourself in good shape, you will feel confident and attractive.
Read. Positive literature changes the view of the world, gives good emotions, inspires. Choose classics or psychology. With the help of the book, you can reconsider the situation, evaluate the behavior of people in various situations, forget about disorders, learn to build life in a new way.
Shopping. Shopping helps fight stress, having a positive effect on the psychological state. You will be distracted from what happened and will be able to survive a difficult time much easier. Even better, go to the store with your girlfriends.
Start the renovation. Changing the interior has a good effect on the emotional state. You have the opportunity to radically change your life and living conditions. Change everything from wallpaper to furniture so that nothing else reminds you of your loved one.
Diversify your leisure time. Do not withdraw into yourself, go to public places. Cultural development gives inspiration, brings you closer to the beautiful, spiritually develops. No need to stand in one place, improve.
Take a trip. New places allow you to experience unforgettable emotions. A long trip gives you the opportunity to reflect, to see that somewhere life is in full swing, it continues, no matter what. Analyze why a loved one left, what needed to be changed, and how to avoid mistakes in a future relationship.
Meet new people. Now more than ever, you need communication. Organize a party, have fun and relax. This method allows you to return the desire to live.

Coping with a breakup is not easy, sometimes you have to completely change your habits and worldview. It is important to understand that nothing can be returned, you will have to live differently, without that person. Stop looking for someone to blame and stop blaming yourself. Forget about it soon. Perhaps later you will become friends, but now it is useless. The main goal is to realize what happened and learn to live independently.

Forgive all offenses, accept the decision of the second half, get rid of anger and hatred. All you need to do is accept, because there is nothing to return. Put not commas, but bold points, then reconciliation with the situation will come faster.

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